My 2007

Mostly it was grime laden and barbarous and spent in the primitive comfort of never-before-known-to-exist-and-which-existence-still-remains-restricted-information-that-I-will-have-to-kill-you-for-knowing jungles and the oh-so-luxurious army barracks. I’ve had a few trounces with supernatural beings (ask me, I’ll tell), military commanders (mostly, their lack of basic intelligence and linguistic cogence) and S*F bureaucracy – arranged in ascending order of how much of a nuisance they are. After an incubatory 18 years spent in sanity and intellectual comfort, I’m akin to one of those unnamed (ok, really, our adolescent minds were more concerned with Velociraptor, Tyrannosaurus Rex and Vivacious Raptor to remember the human names) paleontologists walking into Jurassic Park, except armed with sleep deficiency and most importantly, the phenomenon that can only be described as “the assumption that one knows much about a particular topic without first-hand experience, either from imparted knowledge or nightmares but far falling short of authenticity and verity” or just Rude Shock.

I was thrust on an uncanny replica of Robinson Crusoe’s island whose natives spoke only a frugal, guttural version of the language we call English, then allocated a rusty rifle and ordered to Defend Our Beloved Motherland From Phantom Invaders. Accidentally I displayed a semblance of independent thought and an amazingly immaculate use of grammar, and they deemed me worthy of elevation to a position of minor leadership. Unfortunately, that meant nine more months in a grimier and infinitely more barbaric environment, and I was wise to emulate the traditional stage actors – break a leg and let the curtains fall.

Now, nine months after enlistment, I am safely ensconced in the cold, steely embrace of military bureaucracy and red-tape, performing the daily chore of scribing reports addressed and condemned to the bank of incessant lexicon that abound in our glorious army. It’s ironic how we in the line of national defence of freedom and democracy are denied the very values -Oops! Where did self-censorship go? Now now, I don’t want to be charged for the heinous crimes of Speaking the Truth or Freedom of Expression so I’d better stop here, now.